Pranks and Punishments
by sakurademonalchemist
Summary: This is a series of crack fics that goes along to Troubles In Time and Trials of the Fox. From Pranks, Punishments, and all out insanity, it's sure to tickle your funny bone! Each crack fic will be labeled as a chapter, so I hope you enjoy them!
1. How Sirius got into the BINGO book

It all started simply enough. Sirius was on the schedule to cook, and he had Sasuke help him with the groceries for his special Six Alarm Chili (which he assured the boy had a lot of tomatoes, hence why the twelve year old was helping).

However what would happen next that week would land Sirius Black on the BINGO books to his dying day, and he would still laugh his ass off about it. Mainly because of the reason _why_ he was even in there. The funny thing was that Konoha was the village that put his name in there in the first place!

Remus came over for lunch, took one look at the ingredients and whimpered.

"Sirius, are you insane!?" he asked.

"Yup! Come on Moony, you know you love this stuff too! Hell you ate the most last time I made it!"

"I was also suffering the longest!" he retorted.

Sirius just laughed.

"Uncle Moony, what is this junk? And why are you so afraid of it?" asked Naruto.

"This, cub, is the infamous Six Alarm Chili. It has been banned in two countries from ever being recreated, and has gotten Sirius banned from more kitchens for making it than you would believe before you see the effects."

Sasuke and Naruto stared at him wide eyed. Was it that bad?

"Why?" Sasuke dared to ask.

"It's not because of the taste, I can tell you that much. This dish is on par with Ichiraku Ramen!" said Sirius.

"That is true, it is one of the best dishes I've ever had. Hell it's something an Akimichi would kill for, and I mean that literally."

"Then what's the problem?" asked Sasuke. If the taste wasn't bad, then why was he so afraid?

"Because the effects last a very, very long week for everyone else. The last time he made this, Lily threatened to castrate him in the most violent way possible, and Prongs almost helped," said Remus knowingly.

"Huh?!"

"You'll see after you eat it," said Sirius with a smirk. It was on par with his cousin Bellatrix when she was thinking something evil, and it sent chills down the spines of ANBU that watched the apartment. Something _horrible_ was about to happen.

Naruto and Sasuke, told horror stories of the infamous Black Six Alarm Chili, were hesitant to eat it. They took one bite...and their eyes widened in absolute shock. It didn't take long for them to request seconds, and for once Sasuke's speed eating was on par with Naruto's ability to eat Ramen. The two of them soon ate four bowls of the stuff, and were so full that they had to be carried to bed.

Sirius chuckled at the poor saps on the couch. They had no idea what hell was in store for them tomorrow...or in about eight hours. That was how long it took for the chili to really take effect.

* * *

Naruto's sensitive nose was screaming in pain. And it wasn't because of any poison. He shot up, wide awake, and had trouble breathing. He threw open the window so fast that the sound rang against the early morning hours.

"GAH! Dear Kami what is that smell?!" he said in horror. The open window helped a little, but it wasn't much.

Padfoot farted loudly, and suddenly he knew. The dog yawned, and the gave him an amused grin. His head was soon right beside Naruto's.

"Please tell me this isn't the horror of that chili you made," Naruto deadpanned.

Sirius woofed in confirmation.

"This stuff lasts a week?"

Sirius shook his head. He quickly shifted back with a grin.

"No, it takes a week for us to go through that large pot of chili. Don't know why, but every time I make it, it takes a week to go through it."

Naruto could believe it. Sirius had given them small bowls of the stuff, and it had only taken four to fill his massive stomach up. Which was very unusual.

Taking a whiff of the air, Naruto grimaced...before an idea came to him.

"Should we deliver some of this to the ANBU?"

The smirk on Sirius' face sent alarm bells going through the village. The poor Hokage would be crying by the end of the week.

Naruto and Sirius delivered half the chili to the ANBU, and told them it only took a few small bowls to fill you up. Surprised by the generous gift of free food, they ate it after dragging a solemn promise it hadn't been tampered with. One bite, and it was gone before Naruto was in the Academy.

* * *

Sasuke was looking rather...happy, and it didn't take a genius to figure out why.

The aftereffects of the chili were working wonders on his fangirl problem. None of them wanted to come near him. He was looking happier than the day Naruto beat the living crap out of him and made him realize that there were in fact people who still gave a damn what he thought. After that the two were best friends.

Iruka took one step into the class...and walked back out.

"WOULD SOMEONE OPEN A KAMI-FORSAKEN WINDOW?!" he yelled into the class.

Kiba shot out of the corner he had backed into, his nose screaming. He thought he had left this smell back at the compound. Unfortunately for Iruka, Sasuke and Naruto were on opposite sides of the class today, so the coverage was all over. Poor Kiba and Akamaru were on the ground whimpering because their noses were on fire. When recess came, the class emptied so fast that it was like their seats were on fire.

Sirius stayed inside, laughing. This was hilarious!

* * *

Tsume was on the warpath. Earlier that morning she had awoken to the most foul smell imaginable. Kuromaru was passed out from it! At first she thought Kiba had played a prank...until she realized that everyone at the clan table was whimpering from absolute pain and horror. Whatever it was, wasn't Kiba's doing. When Remus came into the room, the whimpers and howling became much louder, and she could feel tears streaking down her eyes from the pain.

Remus was the source!

"Er...perhaps I should eat out?"

She glared at him, and he made a fast retreat out of the compound. Five minutes after he left the smell started to go away.

He was so sleeping in the woods if he didn't stop farting by tonight.

* * *

Iruka's nose was screaming when he had to go back into the class. He looked at the amused Sasuke and Naruto. There was only one solution.

"Naruto, Sasuke, Padfoot, you have the rest of the day off. Get the hell out of here and I don't want to see you back until _that_ stops!" yelled Iruka, holding his nose.

The two had such evil grins on their face that Iruka knew it was a bad idea. But in all honesty it was the lesser of two evils.

A few minutes after they left, they got picked up by the ANBU...the only ones who hadn't eaten the chili anyway.

"Hokage-sama wants to see you," said Ostrich blandly. His nose crinkled...these kids had the same problem half the headquarters had! And the dog was worse!

"Lead on!" said Naruto cheerfully. Once his nose stopped up from the stink, he couldn't smell a thing! It was great!

As soon as he came into the office, the Hokage threw open all his windows and took a deep breath of fresh air. Dear kami, these three smelled worse than half his ANBU did at the moment.

"Could someone _please_ explain why I keep getting complaints about the smell?" he asked gagging.

It was Sasuke who answered, since he was the only not laughing his ass off.

"Blame Black. It was his chili that set this off."

"Black, what in Shinigami-sama's name did you do?!" demanded Sarutobi, his eyes watering.

"I only made my infamous Six Alarm Chili. Naruto was the one who suggested we share it with the ANBU as an apology for having to chase us halfway across the village and back all these years."

Suddenly the door slammed open, bringing a wave of the smell towards the Hokage, who nearly passed out. Anko was both pissed and amused at the moment.

"Black, what did you do? Headquarters stinks to high heaven so much that we don't have to interrogate our prisoners anymore!" she asked crossly.

"Huh? Why don't you have to interrogate them?" he asked innocently.

"They spill their guts in exchange for air that doesn't reek," she said blandly.

Sirius laughed loudly.

"Well thanks to you Padfoot, I have to sleep in the woods until this wears off," said Remus from the window.

The poor Hokage had passed out from the smell by now. So had the two ANBU in hiding. Anko was the only who hadn't eaten the chili or passed out.

"Well, what do you think we should do? Send this stuff to Orochimaru and hope he dies from a gas attack?" he said.

Anko's cackles indicated that yes, she thought that a very fitting plan.

* * *

_Somewhere in his secret base..._

Orochimaru looked at the odd bowl full of food. It had appeared without warning beside him just as he was getting hungry and he assumed Kabuto had left it. Or one of his followers.

After one bite, he ate it and it was soon gone. It was quite filling, and he almost regretted eating it all. It would be nice to have the recipe. Just a small bowl filled him up, and could easily keep his people feed for weeks if made in a large enough quantity.

Eight hours later, he noted an odd phenomenon. Everyone in his base was avoiding him like the plague, even his most insane followers. Kimimaro had run for his life the moment he went near him, and Kabuto was actually crying...you could see the tears in his eyes.

He had noted an odd smell, but after a few minutes his nose stopped up and he couldn't smell a thing.

It would bother him for weeks as to why his people kept avoiding him...and why he had to abandon that underground base permanently because of some smell that he didn't know the origin of. Kabuto decided it was more prudent never to enlighten him of the truth...

* * *

Killer B, the undisputed _worst_ rapper in history, was having a blast. He had found a large bowl full of the best damn chili he had ever had for free. Then his brother sends him on a mission out of Kumo for an entire month with the request that he not come back unless his newest problem was taken care of. His brother had sent him to Iwa, the only other village he could go to.

Which meant he got to annoy all those boring Iwa nin with his raps...and his recently developed farting problem. His nose was so stopped up that he couldn't smell a damn thing, though he had gassed out his brother pretty damn fast.

The moment he stepped into Iwa, he could see the guards falling off their posts from the smell. He delivered the orders from the Raikage to stay in Iwa for a while, and the Tsuchikage threw him out.

The next day B was sent to a village called Amegakure to help the mercenaries the old Tsuchikage used to spy on some idiots. Which meant he spent an entire three hours in a secret base...and ended up leaving a horrible smell in the Akatsuki base, to the anger of it's leader. It would take weeks, if not months to be rid of that smell.

Especially since several bowls of chili had appeared without warning and those who had been there had eaten most of it. Even Itachi liked it, though he had an odd look on his face after. Almost like he recognized it.

He had only eaten one bite...and then promptly went bounty hunting.

He was the only one who didn't develop a bad case of gas that week.

* * *

Gaara ate the odd bowl that had appeared in the middle of the night. A few hours later, he could hear the crashes outside Temari's room.

"_FOR THE LOVE OF KAMI, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SMELL?!"_

Temari had tears in her eyes as she attempted to avoid the stench. She was soon glaring at her younger brother without worrying about the fact he could kill her without any qualms. She could see her father letting out tears of pain as he caught wind of the stench Gaara was letting off.

When they left, they heard that the smell had caused the bastard to pass out. Kankuro hid in his puppets until Gaara stopped farting all the time.

* * *

Yugao was miserable. She had developed the worst case of gas she had ever had, and her boyfriend wanted her nowhere near him.

So when she saw the amused look of Sirius Black, she slapped him. It was his fault!

Sirius and the others afflicted had decided to stay in the Tower that was in the middle of the Forest of Death. Several animals had fled the area, and it would take months for the smell to go away. At least the chili was gone.

After that week, Yugao created a petition to put Sirius Black in the BINGO book...and his chili recipe on the Forbidden Scroll. It was accepted unanimously, and two months after that day Sirius found his picture and his new bounty.

_**Sirius Black**_

**Rank:**Civilian

**Age:**40's

**Gender:**Male

**Bounty:** 400,000 ryou

**Crimes:**none.

**Warnings:**If he makes his Six Alarm Chili again, avoid at all costs. The aftereffects of eating this chili caused _FOUR _Kages to be gassed out in their own office, and the effects last a full week. While the chili itself is delicious, and ranks a rare Six Stars by the Akimichi clan of Konoha, the consequences of eating it affect everyone else. It is noted that those who eat the chili developed a stopped up nose, so they sometimes don't realize the fact that they are producing a stink worse than a poison attack.


	2. Kushina's Punishment

Kushina was not happy. Her week of terror was over (with Minato managing to keep people from rioting over his return by 'heroically' saving the civilian population from his wife's wrath) and now she had to keep her end of the deal.

She had to deal with Might Gai, one of the most insane, annoying and downright disturbing jounin...at 4:30 in the damn morning.

She needed coffee, the strongest one available. Her aura was enough to keep any ANBU from even thinking about approaching her.

She wandered into the nearest coffee shop and purchased the strongest one...which was only allowed to people over twenty. Kushina downed her first cup, and her demonic aura started to go away. A second cup, and she was more like herself and ready to face the horror that was Gai's morning training.

But nothing could prepare her for the sight that was about to befall her.

* * *

Kushina's left eye was twitching like mad. She thought she could handle this. She thought that she only had to deal with Gai.

She was wrong.

Might Gai, the inventor of the most disturbing genjutsu ever created...now had a clone. And the kid's eyebrows were fuzzier than she had ever seen on a living human!

To make matters worse, Gai had found a willing partner to set off his Sunset of Youth.

Kushina reached into her pack, and brought out the special Nara-brand migraine relievers she had packed in case Gai went on a Youth rant. By the time they took effect, she was no longer in the mood to kill them both and claim training accident.

Tenten and Neji arrived in time to see Kushina holding back the urge to kill them both. Tenten quickly had stars in her eyes at the sight of the strongest kunoichi in the Leaf, outside of Tsunade. Her little display of power in dealing with the civilians had caused Tenten to develop Hero-worship.

"No way! Are you really _the_ Red Hot-Blooded Habenaro?" asked Tenten.

Kushina twitched.

"Please tell me you aren't a fan girl."

Neji couldn't help but snort.

"She's a weapons and strong women fan girl who actually trains," he said.

Tenten looked at Kushina with a disturbing gleam and said "Please teach me! Hardly any of the kunoichi are willing to help me when they hear I have Gai for a sensei!"

Kushina twitched in sympathy.

"What's your specialty?"

"Weapons, mostly. I have a decent hand at sealing, but my ninjutsu is acceptable at best."

"How good are you with a sword?"

"Pretty good, but I like to vary my range."

Kushina grinned. She could work with this girl. She put a hand on her head with a smile.

"Why don't you join Neji at my house after training. I have a trick that can erase the evil Genjutsu your sensei likes to use so much."

The two genin looked at her, then at each other, before bowing to her and praising her loud enough for people to stare. When Hiashi heard of the incident, all Neji had to say was that Kushina could erase memories of the horrible Sunset Genjutsu.

Hiashi said nothing after that.

* * *

_Day five..._

"I'm sorry ma'am, but no one under twenty is allowed to purchase that coffee. It has health risks."

"Now you listen here you twit. These two need this coffee in order to survive their teacher in the mornings!"

"Ma'am, put that sword down... Ma'am...!" said the frightened cashier.

It was that time that Gai appeared. He had gone looking for Kushina since she was late for their morning training.

The cashier took one look at him and then at the irate Kushina.

"Is this the sensei you spoke of?" the cashier asked quietly.

"Yes. And he has them up at five in the damn morning," said Kushina.

"...I'll need their pictures and approval from their parents. That's the best I can do to allow it," he said.

Kushina put her sword away, pleased. Now she just needed to get them hooked up to the Nara clan so they could get high grade migraine relievers. Luckily she knew Shikaku and the fact was that he would help that issue.

A day later Tenten and Neji's pictures were added to the wall inside the storeroom with a note that they were allowed to buy the coffee...along with a picture of Might Gai and his clone saying they were banned from having any. It was bad enough that they were morning people.

(Morning people were cursed at by shinobi. Most people couldn't stand anyone who was chipper that early, and Might Gai was one of the few who were avoided at almost any costs.)

Kushina found Tenten to be a wonderful sparring partner when it came to weapons. She was ashamed to admit that her kenjutsu needed some polishing.

Teaching a magical genin team had helped, but her skill had diminished since she had mostly focused on taijutsu and improving her jutsu.

Tenten was just in awe of one of the most powerful kunoichi in the Leaf. Kushina allowed it, mostly because while Tenten was a fan girl, she was a practical one who actually worked to get stronger.

Gai was all too happy to allow Kushina and Tenten to train together, because Kushina was a known weapon specialist. Plus Tenten's sealing ability had shot through the roof since working with her.

* * *

_Day ten..._

Tenten and Neji had started an entirely new routine for mornings. While they got up around 4:45, they didn't head straight to the coffee shop.

They went to Kushina's house, since she had set the wards to allow them in. the two joined her for breakfast before morning training, since she always cooked and made strong coffee for them. The two considered her like a second mother.

Plus it didn't hurt that she had something planned for the final day of her punishment for going all out on the village. When they learned of what she had planned, they wanted in.

* * *

_Day 21..._

Kushina couldn't take this much longer. If she had to train with Gai in the mornings again, she would force Minato to sleep on the damn couch for coming up with this!

Spotting Kakashi, she had an evil idea. She snuck into his house and laced all his masks (including the one he was wearing) with an impossible to detect port key. It was set to drop him in front of Gai every time he giggled while reading _Icha Icha_. She knew for a fact that he would be up around the time she was stuck training because Jiraiya just came out with a new book an he had an advanced copy.

The next morning she waited for the trap to spring.

She didn't have to wait long, as Kakashi appeared unceremoniously without warning right beside Gai, looking very confused. Kushina threw him to the wolves without a second thought, and it didn't take long for Kakashi to realize she was behind his abrupt appearance. Gai jumped on the chance to have his rival join him in early morning training.

Kushina didn't pity him in the least, and headed off to meet Tenten and Neji to inform them that Gai had a new victim for a few days.

It would take that long for the port key magic to wear off. As far as Gai was concerned, if Kakashi appeared without warning next to him, then he wanted to train with him.

It took Minato four days to find out what she did and confront Kushina to force her to remove the spell.

* * *

_Day Thirty_...

Kushina drank the last cup of coffee as Tenten and Neji finished their breakfast. Today was the day that she got revenge for being forced to suffer through Gai and Lee's morning rituals.

She was not a morning person dammit! This was just plain torture!

"Are you ready?" she asked.

Tenten and Neji held up their weapons. Both were armed with what appeared to be a modified launcher of sorts. Kushina refused to tell them what the things were, but she had loaded them down with as much paint as she could.

(In case you were wondering, she got her hands on some modified paint ball guns.)

In one pouch was a large amount of blessed water. The other was filled with paint balls.

"This is it. Today is the day we get revenge for their damn Genjutsu," said Kushina.

Before Neji got up, he had to look at Kushina.

"Does it ever bother you that if you were in a fanfiction you would be considered a 'Mary Sue'?" he asked.

Kushina looked at him incredulous before she laughed her ass off.

"Me? An overpowered 'perfect' woman? Bwahahaha!"

"What's so funny about that statement?" asked Tenten.

"I can barely get up in the mornings, my temper is hair trigger (almost literally), I have a bitch of a time doing any jutsu under C rank, I have to do a shit load of chakra control exercises each day and I had to work my ass off just to get back to the level I was before that old geezer dragged me halfway cross the world in the body of a genin! Not to mention that when people really piss me off I never need to use my chakra to destroy and humiliate them utterly," she said, wiping tears from her eyes.

"...Sadly it actually comforts me to know you _do_ in fact have flaws," said Tenten.

"Just make sure to aim at Gai and Lee. Naruto and a few others will have cameras ready to capture our revenge for that damn Genjutsu," said Kushina grinning.

The paint balls filled with blessed water (Kushina had taken it to a shrine Kyuubi told her housed an actual Kami and had it blessed) would be used solely on Gai and Lee. The paint balls were for the ANBU and Minato for forcing her to deal with Gai.

"Alright minions, let us get our revenge!" she said.

The two genin cheered loudly. Naruto walked in yawning.

"Mom, it's too early to inspire chaos and anarchy," he said.

"I know sweetie but this is revenge for being forced to suffer with Gai in the mornings~!" chirped Kushina, giving her son a one armed hug.

Naruto only heard the word Gai before he whimpered.

"Mom, make the scary spandex go away..."

"His spandex is next on the list."

Tenten had an unholy gleam in her eyes when she heard that.

"Are we going to burn it?"

"And risk some unknown Youth-infecting pathogen getting into the village and turning us into morning people? Kami no! We're going to drop it off with my cousin so he can prank his little group of S class missing nin," said Kushina.

"Hold up... What do you mean your 'cousin and his group of S class missing nin'?" said Neji.

"My cousin Nagato has a group filled with S class ninja who were kicked out of their village for one reason or another. They wear these tacky black cloaks with red clouds. One of them owes me 6 million ryou after I kicked his ass at poker. Anyway I offered to drop Gai's outfits off with him and told him that he could use them to prank his little group," said Kushina waving it off.

"How would he use it to prank them?" asked Naruto, eager to hear the details.

"Simple. Nagato is going to tell them that in the spirit of inflicting terror on the other villages they have to wear a new uniform. He's going to use his doujutsu to make them think their closets are filled with them and their cloaks will go mysteriously missing. He's promised me pictures of their reactions," cackled Kushina, rubbing her hands together evilly.

Gai and Lee were beyond confused when Tenten, Neji and Kushina all appeared behind them, aimed their paint ball guns at them, and started firing at them while chanting "THE POWER OF SANITY COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF SANITY COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF SANITY COMPELS YOU!"

By the time the guns were empty and all the blessed paint balls were gone, both Gai and Lee were thoroughly drenched, and the ANBU was doing their best not to laugh. Minato walked up to his wife looking both amused and disturbed.

"May I ask what the hell that was about?"

"Trying to exorcise the Youth and Morning demons that possess them. Sadly it seems blessed water doesn't work on them," said Kushina with a straight face.

Minato was really holding back a laugh.

"And the paint ball guns were for...?"

"You didn't really think we were stupid enough to try and drag these two to the river in an attempt to exorcise the demons did you?"

Minato and the ANBU were laughing...right up until the point when Kushina gave the genin the signal to shoot them.

They ended up looking like something straight out of some weird sixties ninja film, because their clothes were in a rainbow of colors and they found themselves unable to vanish into their homes for a replacement set. They had to walk all through the village looking like they had gotten on the wrong side of one of Naruto's multi-paint bombs.

Before Gai or Lee could return to their homes for some dry clothes, Kushina and the other two genin snuck into them right after they left and robbed the closets of the spandex.

The next day Kushina delivered them to Nagato, who was trying not to laugh at the chaos that was about to ensue.

Kushina couldn't help but feel that the ending of her morning hell was rather satisfactory.

* * *

_**YES people, I will be posting Nagato/Pein's prank on the Akatsuki using Gai and Lee's spandex suits. It will be a separate chapter.**_


	3. Pein's Prank

Nagato grinned evilly when Kushina appeared by port key with Gai and Lee's spandex outfits. Thanks to the Rinnegan, he could create endless copies of the things. Kakuzu only forced the other Akatsuki to pay him because Pein hated to use it to make clothes, and he got half of the cash.

Konan was the first to find out about his prank, and she went bounty hunting until it was over. She loved Nagato dearly, but there wasn't a chance in hell she was going to wear those horrendous things just to help with a prank.

* * *

"_It has come to my attention that we have become rather noticeable before our plan has gone into action. To rectify this I have decided to add something new to your wardrobes to avoid detection. Just to warn you that these new uniforms are mandatory," _said Pein in a dead flat tone. There wasn't going to be any arguing.

And just to insure that they actually _wore_ the things, he had Kushina lay a curse on their door frames so that whenever they exited their room they would be wearing the clothes. Since magic was undetectable by ninja, they never would sense it.

(When Nagato learned she was a witch, he just shrugged it off. Kushina was already weird enough, what was one more thing? Magic wasn't that rare in the Elemental countries.)

He smirked when the first victim came out of their room wearing the awful suit. He was on the floor rolling with laughter and failing abysmally when Kakuzu got hit with the curse. Best of all he was in a remote part of the base which only three people even knew about (Madara, Konan and Nagato) with wireless cameras capturing the action.

The looks on their faces...were priceless. Itachi did the only sensible thing...which turned out to be walking around the base in the buff, since he was the only one to figure out that the whole thing was a prank. However he did unseal his spare cloak and went to hide.

That place ended up being the secret area that Nagato thought only he knew about.

"Leader-sama," said Itachi tonelessly.

"Itachi, how did you find this place?"

"Konan told Kushina, who told me. Am I to assume the new 'uniform' is a prank?"

"How the hell did you figure that out?"

Itachi gave him a look.

"Pein, I used to live in the same village as Maito Gai. My sempai in the ANBU was Kakashi, who was considered Gai's rival. Did you really think I wouldn't recognize those damn suits of his on sight?"

"Damn. Are you going to tell the others?"

"I could...or I might stay here and watch the fireworks when they realize you just pranked them for no apparent reason."

"Deal!"

* * *

Deidara took one look at his closet, and said "To hell with this, Un!"

He then proceeded to bomb his closet...only to end up in one of the outfits anyway when he left his room.

"ARGH!"

Deidara tore off the spandex suit, ran into his room to get new clothes since his cloak vanished, then ran out. He screamed in frustration even louder when he found that merely entering the room set off whatever ninjutsu the Leader had put on the door.

His scream of rage was drowned out by Hidan's scream of fury when he found out the hard way that the spandex he was stuck wearing happened to be impossible to cut through, making it practically impossible for him to cut himself for his rituals.

* * *

"Wonder what shit the Leader wants us to wear now. Don't mind the cloaks, those are at least half way tasteful... WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE THINGS?!" shouted Hidan.

Hidan was staring in absolute disgust at the suits. He used a quick Katon to destroy them, orders be damned. The second he stepped out of his room, he felt the change take place and growled. When he went to shred it with his scythe, his scream of rage could be heard over Deidara's fury filled one.

The damn suits were knife proof! Hidan spent the next ten minutes trying to rip it to shreds, before another thought hit him. If he couldn't cut himself, he couldn't perform his daily rituals to Jashin-sama!

His scream of fury was heard through half the base!

* * *

Kisame took one look at what Itachi was wearing, before the teen destroyed it and burn the remains with Amaterasu's flames and his eye twitched.

"Is that what Leader expects us to wear?" he asked.

"Apparently," said Itachi with a drone.

"Fuck that shit! I ain't wearing something that makes my eyes water!" declared Kisame who went to drink the last of the beer.

Only to find Itachi had beaten him to the punch and stolen all the beer in the fridge.

In a fit of rage very similar to a certain duck-butt styled Uchiha...

"_ITACHI!"_

* * *

Kakuzu took one look at the spandex and said flatly "I don't care if it _is_ free. I am not wearing it."

His scream of rage when he found that someone had actually placed a curse on his door that forced him to wear it was rather impressive. The fact he was planning to make Pein pay for the repair bill on the door frame, more so.

* * *

Sasori never went near his room. He didn't even use it most days because he never slept. He did find some amusement in the screams that were occurring all over the base though.

* * *

Zetsu was currently eating someone unimportant, and therefore was nowhere near the base.

* * *

Tobi saw the new outfit, and true to form put it on.

"Tobi is a good boy!"

(Madara, who was hiding behind the mind of Obito, winced. He was going to make Pein _pay_ if this was really going to be the new uniform. He hated spandex!)

* * *

The next morning, most of the Akatsuki was pissed off, and only Tobi was actually wearing the outfit. Everyone else twitched at the sight but were too angry to berate him.

Pein didn't say a word. He just laughed at all of them, and to the fury of the other members Itachi joined him.

"I swear to Shinigami-sama if this is a permanent addition to our uniform I am going to resign, Rinnegan be damned!" snarled Kisame.

"Why the hell isn't Itachi naked like half of us?!" demanded Deidara.

Itachi looked at them deadpan.

"_I, unlike, you figured out that this was a rather amusing prank the minute I saw the outfit in question. Also I had a spare cloak sealed away just in case. By the way, from what I can tell the spell that forced you into those outfits was on the door frame."_

"Pein, I swear to kami you are going to pay for my door frame!" snapped Kakuzu.

"_Not a chance in hell. It was Kushina's idea to give me those outfits. If you have issues with them I'm sure she would like to have a chat with you over that ten million ryou you still owe her after she kicked your ass at poker," _said Pein blandly.

Kakazu really looked pissed now.

"IT'S SIX MILLION! INTEREST TACKED ON BECAUSE SOME MORON SUMMONED HER HALFWAY ACROSS THE WORLD WHEN SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD DOESN'T COUNT!"

"As hilarious as it is to hear that Kakazu owes someone a large sum of money, when did he go against the Yondaime's wife in a game of poker?" asked Sasori bored.

Pein waved his hand dismissively.

"_Kushina Uzumaki is one of my only remaining cousins, and she knew where I lived at the time. She happened to come by roughly when Kakuzu first joined while he was kicking my ass at poker, and decided to join in for the hell of it. It's his own damn fault for being distracted by the Uzumaki Clan seal book, which is worth enough cash to make even Kakuzu salivate over, long enough for Kushina to cheat. Though with her brand of luck it's entirely possible that she beat him with that royal flush without cheating,"_ said Pein bored.

"That woman had to be cheating! There's no way in hell she kept getting all those combos that happen to beat my hand every damn time!" roared Kakuzu.

Pein gave him a bored look.

"_You could always challenge her again."_

"Not a chance in hell. Last I heard her luck was apparently the reverse of that brat Tsunade's. I'm not idiotic enough to challenge someone with that kind of blind luck."

"As hilarious as this is, what the fuck happened to our clothes?!" demanded Hidan.

"_I placed a minor genjutsu on your closet. I only removed a few of the cloaks..."_

"You mean to tell us we have to pay Kakuzu for replacement cloaks again!?" said Deidara pissed.

"_It's your own damn fault for having that kind of extreme reaction. You're ninja for Kami's sake. You should have been able to figure out after you saw the outfits that it was a prank. By the way, I have copies of your reactions hidden, so don't try to find them. I'm sure quite a few people would buy the tapes of the fallout."_

Once the members of the Akatsuki got it through their heads that it had all been a rather elaborate prank, they went to salvage what was left of the base. Their rage at the spell and the outfits had caused considerable damage, and Pein wasn't paying for the repairs or replacement cloaks. They should have figured it out after seeing the outfit in question.

Though he did have fun sending the remaining outfits to Orochimaru and forging a note that caused over half of Oto to start wearing something similar.


End file.
